Spring Part II

Last year, I wrote a blog post titled Spring. If you want to check it out, you can find it here. I did not plan to post another one, but it is Jacaranda season here in South Africa again so I figured, “why not?” The skies have been dark and it has been raining a little, but I love that kind of weather. I wish it could rain every day.

I have had a lot on my mind lately, but I don’t think I can translate my thoughts into words in a coherent and comprehensible manner so I apologize in advance if this post is just incoherent babble. The end of the year is drawing near, and it has made me reflect on 2021 as a whole. I have not done anything this year in terms of… well, anything. I have been unemployed the whole year, but that is my fault, as is everything that is wrong with my life. I’m just really stagnant. Actually, I can’t accept all the blame for me not having a job. I have applied but nobody gets back to me, or no one is looking for someone with my background or someone like me in general. It makes me resent my time at university because I feel as if I wasted years of my life, and my parents’ money, to get two degrees that are just sitting around gathering dust.

I have said this many times, but I don’t have moments of happiness in my life. If I do, they last for just a few seconds. The last time I can think of where I felt happy was on my birthday way back in April, and that happiness did not last long. I am just sad all the time. There are a lot of things that people around me are going through, but somehow all I can think about is myself. Do I crave attention? Maybe I want to feel sad forever. My friends try to help me, but I keep coming up with excuses to refuse their help. I feel as if they are valid excuses, but I am afraid my friends will get tired of trying to help me and stop, even though I want someone to care.

Lately, I have found myself thinking about people I knew and wondering if they are okay. There is one person in particular who I just can’t seem to get out of my head, and it has been years. It’s hard to explain. They seem to be doing much better than me now that I am no longer in their life, and that hurts. It hurts for many reasons, but in particular, it hurts because I know they no longer think about me. They’ve moved on, but I just can’t seem to do the same. I’m so pathetic.

I just have a lot of things on my mind, and they might seem small and not worth fretting over but they all add up and make me incredibly anxious and depressed. Will life ever get better? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Well, not my life anyway. I know I sound really pessimistic, but I just can’t seem to find hope. I’ve recently gone back to taking walks which is something I have not done in a while. Although they are brief, my walks are calming and they do help clear my mind a little. Walking through the streets all awash with the colour purple is really something to witness. Last year during this period, I realized that sometimes the little things in life can make a big difference. If I were to kill myself, I will never experience things like Jacaranda season again. With all that being said, I guess at least for now, I am not going anywhere.

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