Breakdown

I went to the mall today to sort something out: something that may seem small in the grand scheme of things, but to me is just the latest tragedy in the dumpster fire that is my life. After I was done I went back to the car and sat in it, just there in the parking lot, and all of a sudden it felt like the weight of the world just hit me hard and I broke down in tears. I am just tired and fed up with life. I am tired of existing, because Lord knows that what I am doing right now is not living. I just sat there, wondering when/where/how my life went so wrong. Recently, someone in my life sent me a message saying that I am not going through anything in my life to make me depressed. They said some other things, but the gist of it was that they think I say and do these things for fun, as if it is a joke. They don’t understand what I am going through, and to be honest I hope they never do. I may blame myself for a lot of things, but I am not going to justify my depression to anyone. Who is that person to tell me such things? I read that message and I did not reply to it. I still haven’t. I don’t think I will. I don’t think I have anything to say to that person anymore. Maybe when they’re at my memorial, seeing me in my casket wondering if they could have handled the situation any better, maybe then and only then will they understand or even begin to understand what me and my depression. I hate life. I wish I could die without anyone noticing, and just disappear without a trace. Wouldn’t that be nice.

5 thoughts on “Breakdown

  1. No one is going to be at your memorial thinking anything because that is not going to happen young man. That person is not your friend or anyone who deserves to be in your life – do not respond to their message, delete the conversation. They do not understand or care about you because if they did they’d never say such a thing. I’m glad you understand you don’t have to justify your depression to anyone. You always know where I am if / when you need to talk. You’re not on your own okay? Remember that .xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, as always Chlo, for you continued love and support. I am really sorry it took me so long to reply to your comment.

      It really sucks, because that person is not someone I can easily remove from my life or avoid. I guess our conversations moving on will be nothing more than simple greetings and small talk.

      I still beat myself up over whether I have a right to “be depressed” or not, but when someone else, who doesn’t even understand or try to understand, says so, it just makes my blood boil.

      I will reply to your email soon, I promise. Just had a bunch of technical difficulties as well as some really bad depressive slumps. Hope you’re well ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

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