Memento Mori Part 3

Things get crazy and I feel I’m losing my mind
I don’t know what to do
I’m going insane and I really don’t know why
There’s only one thing to do
I’m floating through the night on a red eye, red eye
I’m floating through the night on a red eye, red eye

Hello everyone. I hope you are all doing well. It is the end of 2020. This year has been tumultuous, for obvious reasons, and it seemed like it would go on for forever. However, here we are. A lot of people will be happy to see this year go. No one knows what 2021 holds. It could be better than 2020, but it could also be worse. Regardless, I think 2021 will be a welcome change and a new start for some. Some people, all things considered, had a great 2020. For others, it was horrible. As a result of the virus people lost their jobs, family members, friends and much, much more. If your 2020 was full of hardship and grief, I am truly sorry. I hope 2021 will be better for you.

This will be my final post of 2020. In 2018 and 2019 (You can click on the years to take you to the previous posts) I wrote similar end-of year posts that just recapped my thoughts, experiences and battles with depression, anxiety and suicide up to those points. I did not expect it to become a thing, but here we are on the third installment. I am going to do my best not to repeat things I said in the previous posts, but I apologize if there are any overlaps.

Where do I begin? At the beginning, I guess. So, this year started off a little rocky for me. I was still reeling from something a friend said, which made me re-examine myself and my personality and how I may not be as good a person as I thought I was, or as I think I am. I kept messaging my other friends and asking them if I was a bad person. They all said no and it made me feel a little better, but that thought was still in my mind, and it still is now. I don’t think I can get over that. Throughout the year I have just been thinking about all the bad things I said and did to other people, or the humiliating and embarrassing things I said and did, and they have just been haunting me. People grow, and I know I should be no different, but I am having a hard time trying to convince myself that I am not that person anymore. Maybe I still am, but I have just buried it deep, and I am afraid it will show up again.

In March I got a job. It was a contract position for six months. It is funny, because I do not even remember applying for that specific job. In January, February and March I was just applying for jobs every day like crazy, so when they got back to me to set up an interview, I was scratching my head as to which one this was exactly. I agreed to the interview, but when that day came I just could not be bothered. I remember waking up, going to the bathroom and brushing my teeth. I did not even shower. I went back to my room and pulled some random clothes out of my wardrobe and just put them on, then I went to the interview. I did not do any real preparation. I just went there, sat in front of two ladies and answered the questions they asked. A few days after they informed me that I got the job. I was happy, of course.

I went to the office for the first time on the 25th of March. I remember this date because it was also my last day at the office. You see, the country went into lock-down that very next day. My on-boarding was very different, to say the least. The job I was hired to do was not in my wheel-house at all. I did not study this at university. I had to learn everything as I was going, and doing that from home was not easy, to say the least. I ran into quite a number of issues throughout my time at the company. During this period, I would fall into deep depression. I was constantly anxious and panicking about work. It also got to a point where I would not do any work for days on end. I felt so guilty, but I just could not bring myself to work. I felt as if I was being lazy, but my doctor said otherwise. Depression, man. It does horrible things to you.

As I worked, I began to think about my future. To be honest, I would not say that I enjoyed the work I was doing. It was not a bad job by any means, but I just did not enjoy it. It made me worried because I kept thinking to myself, “Is this going to be my life now? Bouncing from one job I do not like to another job I do not like, perpetually? It made me really depressed. However, please do not think that I am ungrateful. I know that I am lucky to have this job, especially during this pandemic. Even though it was only internship pay I truly appreciate the opportunity they gave me. I just fell into a deep depression, thinking about what I really wanted to do.

My contract was supposed to end in September but they extended it to December, with a possible extension into the new year if they had more work for me. November came and they informed me that they would not be extending my contract into the new year. I was perfectly okay with this. I was bracing myself for this outcome, in fact. I think it was for the better that I leave the company. Not really for me but for them. I was doing as much work as I should have, and was just costing them money. I am truly grateful for the opportunity they gave me and I learned a lot of new skills. I, however, knew that with the loss of the job comes more depression and uncertainty, and I was, and still am, bracing myself. When January/February hits, I am going to fall into a deep and dark hole.

Morning kiss from your depression by beiibis
Morning kiss from your depression by beiibis

The past few months have been… horrible, to say the least. I have always had panic attacks, but they just got so much worse over the past few months. I would even have some of them in public spaces, although I was able to manage those without anyone noticing… at least I hope so. The existential dread would also set in very badly during this time. I have said this before but I will repeat it here: I want to die, but I am afraid of death. I do not know what comes after, if anything comes after, but I just want the pain and misery to stop. Is that too much to ask for? I guess so.

Over the course of the year I have been watching a lot of TED Talks, and videos in general, about depression, anxiety, suicide, loneliness, loss, grief and much, much more. I also educated myself on the various types of Mental Illnesses there are, and let me just say that there are a lot. I did this to educate myself, because I feel I have been selfish in this regard. I only know about depression because I am going through it, but a lot of people are going through other things, and I felt as if I owed it to myself, and to them, to at least learn about their illnesses and struggles. These videos really hammer home the point that there is so much suffering going on in the world. People are suffering in silence because they are too ashamed to admit they need help, or afraid of how they will be treated. I have visited the sub-Reddit for depression and suicide and to hear other people’s stories just breaks my heart. I am lucky to have people around me who sympathize with my struggles, but many others do not. I wish I could help them. I wish I could do more, but I am useless. I am sorry.

I watched a video posted on the YouTube channel Cut where 100 people were asked if they have ever considered suicide. A good number of them, unsurprisingly, said they had considered it. Some said the knew people who considered it and even some who were successful at it. Others said they themselves had attempted. Some people were not comfortable to talk about it, but others were able to share their stories. This video in particular really touched me because the stories and hardships they went through are so heartrending. A good number of these people said that they are now in a better place, and some say that their friends were able to help them and save their lives, and I am so happy for them.

The part of the video that really surprised me, however, is that a lot of people said that they had never considered suicide before in their lives, and some said they just had no reason to. This blew my mind. I know it may sound dumb, but that video really made me sit and think, “Wow. There are people out there whose lives are so good to the point that they have never ever considered ending them.” I know that they obviously have troubles. Everyone does. However, I was still so shocked. I just sat there and thought, “Damn. I wonder what that feels like, never ever considering taking your life. It must be so nice.” I know it sounds condescending but I do not mean for it to. It is just something that I have been thinking about a lot.

I look around at my friends and the people around me in general, and I am so proud of who they are, what they are becoming and the amazing things they are doing… yet I can not help but feel quite jealous of them. Again, I know they are going through their own things, but… they are doing great things with what they have been given. I have been given a lot but have done nothing with my life. Recently, I heard something about someone I knew, and it was just something that was said in passing. However, that thing I heard made my cry and I just sat there and thought to myself, “Why does that person get to be happy but I don’t?”

Despite the pandemic, 2020 was a great year for a lot of people. They were able to achieve great things and reach impressive milestones, both in their personal and professional lives. For me, however, 2020 was not great, as you may have already realized if you have reached this far. If you remove the pandemic, my year was just bad. In fact, the pandemic did not really affect my mental health. I know it sounds crazy or it may even sound as if I do not care about the pandemic: I do. Of course I do. However, the past few years have been bad as well and I guess that carried over to this year.

By the time this post goes up, it will be 2021. People are going to be celebrating New Years a little bit differently this time round. I, however, will be celebrating it like I always do: sitting in a corner of my room in darkness, completely alone. I am not saying this because I want pity. I am just saying that these holidays make me hate my life even more. There is probably more I wanted to say in this post, but it is already long as it is so I will just leave it here. So, if 2020 was bad for you, I hope 2021 will be better. Thank you all for reading this blog post, and for being here with me throughout this year. Please enjoy your New Years but also be safe. I will see you all next year.

Sincerely Yours,
Kojo

Ain’t it fun
Living in the real world
Ain’t it good
Being all alone

Featured Image: Inhale by yuumei

5 thoughts on “Memento Mori Part 3

  1. The Geek Writer

    It’s almost like you’re fighting to survive, isn’t it? Not to win, but to survive. Waking up is the hardest. I hate going to bed early, because I know what it took to actually get out of bed. It’s an insane place to be in, but I actually feel better when I’m alone, weirdly. People make me anxious, and they make me hate myself just for being around them. But when I’m alone, I’m the only one that sees me for who I am, and that’s better for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I guess I am waking up solely because of survival. I guess I am used to waking up that it has become a habit. I understand what you mean about sleeping early. Being alone is good. Sometimes, being around people can be too much. That loneliness, however, can be so quiet for me that it sometimes makes it worse. Waking up is hard. Very hard, but I guess all we can do is keep waking up.

      Like

  2. Byron McLeod

    Happy New Year Kojo! Took some time to look over your blog to let you know I appreciate your thoughts and words. And that looking into the new year I hope you don’t put as much pressure as you did last year on yourself. Not knowing what you’re gonna do or what you even want to do with your life is okay! Don’t let expectations of what we “should” be doing get to you, every person’s life is different why should we all have a set plan that’s the same it’s illogical? Focus on what makes you passionate and just keep surviving. Never forget we care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Byron. Happy New Year to you too! How have you been?

      Thank you for your kind words about my blog. It always makes me smile when people enjoy or appreciate my content. I do put a lot of pressure on myself. I am trying to work on that, and also to not get in my own way so much. It is easier said than done, but I will try. It is just difficult because I am not getting any younger, and I know that I am still relatively young, but I just feel as if I should have figured it out all by now, even though I know that is ridiculous and unrealistic.

      I am looking at the positives of not having a job anymore, which is that I can take some time and just work on myself, as cliche as that sounds, although I do not know what “working on myself” entails quite yet. I think about the year ahead and I am nervous that the year will come to pass and I wouldn’t have “done” anything, but I am getting ahead of myself. One step at a time, I guess.

      Thanks so much. It really does mean a lot to me that people care, even though I may not say it or appreiate everyone around me as much as I should. Please be safe.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Memento Mori Part 4 – Before The Clock Strikes 12

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