Hello everyone. It’s been a while. I hope you and your loved ones are all doing well and keeping safe.
It has been a month and a bit since I last posted. I am sorry about that. If I am being honest with you, it is because I just have not had anything to say. I do not want to write blog posts just for the sake of writing blog posts. To be honest, I have no plan for this post. I guess it is just to show that I am still alive.
A short while ago I was sitting in my room, just thinking about life and such when I realized that I had not cried in quite some time. This may sound like a random thought, and it honestly was. Once that thought crossed my mind, I dwelled on it a lot. I cry often, as a result of my depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. I am not ashamed of it, but I was worried that I cried maybe too often, as I would cry pretty much every day. However, maybe a couple months ago as I said before, I realized I had not cried in many weeks.
This is not from a lack of trying. A few things have happened (nothing serious) that may have warranted a few tears. I have watched some shows and movies that should have elicited some tears, but yet I still did not cry. I have listened to sad music, but still nothing. I have come to the conclusion that I have used up all my tears, if that even is a thing. The thing is, however, I still hurt. I still feel pain. I am still very much depressed and anxious, maybe now more than ever. My job contract technically at the end of last month, and my future at the company is being discussed among the powers that be.
I have been stressing so much about work lately to the point that it may be making me sick. I am stuck in this limbo. I honestly feel as if I am not doing enough work, or doing what I should be doing, so if they let me go I will not be surprised. However, I know I will be more depressed if that happens. On the flip side, if they renew my contract, it is going to lead to more stress and more heartache and… my mind is about to explode. There is just no winning with me, is there?
I do not want this post to be long, so let me just leave it here. I am sorry for not posting for a while and then returning only to post a sad post. I hope I did not make any of you too sad. Hopefully I can come back to the blog with more happy posts.
I hope you all stay safe and stay sane. Thank you very much for reading, and I will see you all in the next blog post.