Still Sane…?

Today is my birthday, and I’m riding high
Hair is dripping, hiding that I’m terrified
But this is summer, playing dumber than in fall
Everything I say falls right back into everything…

***

Hello everyone. I hope you are all having a fantastic day. Today I want to talk about my birthday. By the time this blog post will be up it will be my birthday… joy. The 17th of April was once a day I looked forward to with so much happiness and excitement, but everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked (shout-out to all the Avatar fans). Okay I apologize for that joke. Just trying to lighten the mood. As I am writing this my birthday is in a few days, and my friends and even my cousin have all asked me when it is, and I have refused to answer. To be honest I do not know exactly why. Maybe because I think I hate my birthday. Maybe because I feel like my birthday has brought me nothing but pain and misery for the longest time. I do not know why I am writing this blog post, and it is probably not going to be coherent or make any sense, but please stick with me.

Memory by chaamal
Memory by chaamal

I believe this all started in 2011 on my 16th birthday, but I could be wrong. I was in high school in Zambia at that time. It was just my father and I living there. My father took me out to a very nice restaurant at the mall for lunch. When I came back, something in me changed. I was noticeably sadder. I stayed in my room the rest of the day and just cried, and I do not know why. My dad came in to check up on me later in the evening and found me crying. He asked what was wrong and I told him that I did not know. He was worried but I told him that I would be fine. Spoiler alert: I would not be fine. I could be wrong, but I think that was the start of my depression. Things only went downhill from there.

I’m not in the swing of things
But what I really mean is
Not in the swing of things yet…

Every year my friends (the ones who remember) and my family wish me a happy birthday and it means so much to me that people take time out of their day to send me these messages and well wishes, but I feel empty on my birthday more than I do on any other day. I always feel alone, and the years in university did not help matters. I would just stay in my room and be by myself. I have this ritual of listening to two songs before I do anything else on my birthday: “Day N Nite” by Kid Cudi and “Still Sane” by Lorde. Ever since early high school Kid Cudi has been my favorite artist of all time and I consider “Day N Nite” to be my favourite song of all time. The lyrics of “Still Sane” really resonate with me and my feelings on my birthday. I listen to these songs and wallow in sadness on the one day in my life I am supposed to be happy to be alive.

alone_in_space_by_yairmor_d2wh975-fullview
Alone in Space by Yairmor

Here is the catch: I am not happy I am alive. I have not been happy to be alive since I was 16. I used to want to get older and become an adult so badly, but now all I want to do is go back to a time where everything was better. I have said this many times on my blog to the point that everyone is probably sick and tired of hearing the same song and dance, but I genuinely feel like I am wasting/have wasted my life away. When the clock strikes 12 and Wednesday comes, I will be 24. I can honestly not think of any worthwhile or notable accomplishment I have achieved in my 24 years of life. I look around and see friends younger than me on the news, or moving into their own places, or something as simple as having their driver’s license (that last one is all my fault and I blame only myself). I wake up, eat and go back to sleep. My parents must be wondering what they did wrong to deserve such a useless child like me.

This dream isn’t feeling sweet
We’re reeling through the midnight streets
And I’ve never felt more alone
It feels so scary, getting old

My life has just gotten worse over the years. I should have a job by now and be helping my family, but I am just making things harder on everyone. I have said this before, and I will continue to say it until I am blue in the face (one can only hope): the world will be better off if I was not in it anymore. I also need to clarify something: I hate my birthdays and mine alone. When it comes to other people’s birthdays I will celebrate, dance, and party until I pass out. Mine, however, just reminds me of how much of a failure I am. I should turn things around. I should tell more people about my birthday and turn it from a bad experience to something I should look forward to ever year. I think this all the time, but I feel like I will be too self-centred if I went around telling people about my birthday. I should be happy around this time, but all I can think about is how to kill myself in such a way that would not hurt my friends and family too much. I do not want them to live thinking that they could have changed things.

Holding for so Long by NanoMortis
Holding for so long by NanoMortis

I do not have any goals or dreams for my life, not anymore. The main reasons I am alive are my friends and family. People keep telling me that they would be devastated if I was to kill myself, so I guess I am only staying alive because of them, not myself. I am dreading Wednesday because it is just going to be a bad day. You know what is funny though? Although I dread my birthday, the minute the day is over I feel sad. There is just no winning with me. I hope for a miracle every day, but I am sure I have ignored all the signs and opportunities that have come my way. What am I doing? Honestly. I have no idea. I know this blog post does not make any sense and I apologize. I guess I am writing this for myself as I have never actually written down or somewhat explained why I hate my birthday. Maybe people will somewhat understand where I am coming from. Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. I hope you all have a great day and I will see you all in the next blog post… hopefully.

Sincerely Yours,
Kojo

***

Day and night
The lonely loner
Seems to free his mind at night
He’s all alone
Through the day and night
The lonely loner
Seems to free his mind at night
At, at, at night

Day and night
The lonely loner
Seems to free his mind at night
He’s all alone
Some things will never change
The lonely loner
Seems to free his mind at night
At, at, at night

 

Featured Image: Land of the Wind by RHADS

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4 thoughts on “Still Sane…?

  1. First of all, a huge happy belated birthday to YOU. Secondly, this was beautiful. I’m not going to sit here and give you the whole “don’t say that the world would be better without you in it” talk because even though that’s true (the world would be at a great loss without you here) I know that nothing I say will make a difference, because I’ve been there myself. Even now, I still have days where I think about how utterly pointless myself and my existence really is – what do I bring to the world? Nothing, some days. Some days I don’t believe there’s any point to me at all.
    It’s so easy to compare yourself to other people and unfortunately, there’s no way any of us will ever escape that. I wrote a draft that I was going to post on my 21st birthday – I wrote it before my birthday had actually arrived and so when it did, I ended up writing and posting something else instead because the feeling wasn’t there anymore, but if you’d like to read it I’d be more than happy to show you, as it’s very similar to what you’ve written here. Just know you’re not alone in the way you feel. I for one am very grateful you’re here, and that I get to read your words .xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for the well wishes, and thank you so much for the comment! Words can’t describe how much your comments and insights mean to me.

      I just read your new blog post and took your advice. I went to watch Billie Eilish’s Coachella set this past weekend and it put a smile on my face. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of a 17 year old who gets to perform at one of the world’s most famous music festivals haha.

      I picked up my guitar and tried to play a few things, but I just could not get the chords right and got a bit frustrated, but then I just relaxed and took a look at the setting sun. It calmed me. It made me smile. Baby steps.

      I’m sorry you went through that around the time of your 21st birthday. It really sucks. If you’re comfortable sharing it with me I would love to read it. Thank you for always reading my blog. When I started it I honestly did not think anyone would read it, but I am so grateful for everyone who visits and reads my posts, and grateful for you and your words of encouragement. Thank you 🙏🏿

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Happy birthday! 🎉💗 I wish you lots of love, health and happiness. I can understand you so much. You write amazing and I’m blessed to know you. I have mixed feelings with my birthday. I love it and also hate it because I compare myself with people and I hate growing up. I wish I was a happy, care free child again. I miss those times so much that it breaks my heart. I’m most of the time afraid of death and also of life so yeah that’s not living either. You matter and you are not alone. Lots of love

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the well wishes! Thank you very much for your compliment. It really means a lot to me to hear that someone enjoys my writing. It really makes my day. I miss those childhood days too, but you’re right, we have a lot to look forward to. Sending my love as well!

      Liked by 1 person

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